A battler of peanuts must remain ever vigilant!

While living in a peanut-filled world, it’s necessary for the legume-intolerant to travel through life with their guard constantly up. After 24 long years on this planet—a world infested with enemy food stuffs around every corner—it’s a lesson I should never forget to heed as I preach it on the interwebs. Sadly, I was duped into dropping my guard this weekend by a little restaurant called Golden China. With their advertised aversion to MSG and a promise their food is cooked in nothing but 100 percent pure vegetable oil, I felt safer than I normally do when venturing into the domain of Asian entrees—it seemed they understood the benefit of proper food preparation. My sesame chicken was flawless, arranged nicely in its take-out container so I could plainly see it hadn’t been infected with legumes. And I grew even more comforted.

Even more vulnerable.

And so, Golden China got the last laugh.

After comforting me with their careful cooking promises and a well-displayed dinner, I felt no qualms about partaking in some eggroll (free with the coupon they supplied me in their take-out menu). Inspection of the eggroll led me to believe it was filled with nothing but cabbage. Alas, it was filled with more deadly fare! After two quick bites, I knew something was amiss. Be it a hidden peanut in the roll or a tainted instrument used in its preparation, the appetizer packed a wallop that landed me in the emergency room.

An iPhone picture made comical warning by my girlfriend Jessi as antihistamines led me to hospital bed dozing.
An iPhone picture made comical warning by my girlfriend Jessi as antihistamines led me to hospital bed dozing.

The moral of this story: Stay vigilant. Or, never trust an eggroll—who knows what it hides inside under its friendly fried exterior?!

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6 thoughts on “A battler of peanuts must remain ever vigilant!

  1. As I recall, WE got the last laugh…In fact, you laughed at this warning while lying in that very bed. So, Golden China may have been laughing
    -as you salivated over that eggroll
    -as I frantically looked up the nearest hospital
    -as you (in a been-there-done-that state of equanimity) assumed my role as find-the-hospital girl
    -as I navigated random carnival traffic in route to said hospital

    WE laughed AT the hospital, constituting a very concise win!
    Gibbons-Reynolds, 1, Golden China, 0.
    And as the post-hospital fortune cookie revealed, “You are the master of any situation.”

  2. It’s still hard for me to accept how people can get ravaged by the oddest of things. I knew a guy who was severely allergic to honey, and he’d be asking all the time if there was honey in everything he ate.

    Is there honey in this cake!? Is there honey in this Donut!? Is there honey in that hotdog!? Gah!

    But not you Jim, you laugh at peanuts and stomp them into paste! You relish the thought of a peanut in your roll so you can destroy it with savage teeth-gnashing fury, for sacrificing your own life to rid the world even 1 more peanut is worth that great loss.

  3. Well, if I play my cards right, I can defeat those peanuts without the great sacrifice…still, you gotta be committed in this peanut-filled world. So, my enmity of the nut is ever-present, and—in the end—if chomp out of the legume empire’s jugular must be taken, I’ll do the biting.

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